Hey I’m Vanessa
I support you to Realize that you have the Super-Powers to heal yourself!
The relationship with myself & my body hasn’t been easy, because I never felt good enough within me.
I never felt totally comfortable within me. When I was feeling good in my body because I worked out a lot and ate less, I was still feeling insecure from within. All the time I felt like I didn’t fit in. It wasn’t just my body that felt misplaced, it started already in school and continued at work, university, and always been present in my relationships. I stayed too long in relationships not in alignment with my soul because I was afraid to be alone. I was scared to speak my truth because I was afraid no one would like me. Likewise, I was afraid to show my body because I told myself I’m not beautiful enough.
I tried so hard to fit in that I totally lost myself and I didn’t even realize it till my Dad died in 2015 very suddenly. His death was my weak up call.
From one day to the other I knew life wouldn’t be the same anymore. And the journey back to my soul started. Soon I realized there is no going back to my “old” life anymore, I can’t try to fit into work, friends groups, relationships, and systems anymore.
At the beginning of my journey, my main goal was to find happiness and to find my inner calling. This personal development path was exhausting and frustrating, I hold myself together so much, I exercised so much, I ate healthily, I did all the good things to raise my vibration and being positively aligned.
I rejected to feel it all.
I was so focused on trying to become someone and to become a better person that I totally rejected feeling. Not only that, but I separated myself from my emotions, connections, relationships, and having joy and fun in my life. I followed all the personal development strategies and tools, I read so many books and listened to millions of podcasts. I wanted to find my inner calling so bad, and I always had this big thrive within me to be successful and to create something big. But nothing worked. I didn’t find my passion or inner calling, I wasn’t happy in my friendships, I wasn’t happy with how I lived, and I attracted men who didn’t want to commit. The more and more I worked on myself, the more unhappy and frustrated I got. I knew there is something out there for me, but I couldn’t see it.
I was so strict with everything in my life & I created a big wall around my heart.
Likewise, I wasn’t able to let people in or to open up how I truly feel. Not only that, but I wasn’t even able to open up in front of myself. Not able to unravel my true feelings in front of me.
Traveling around the world opened me up
and became my own healing journey.
Everything changed when I started to travel. In Mexico, I discovered yoga for myself and I started to open my heart again. Slowly I allowed myself to follow my heart’s desires and to let go of the picture I created of myself how I should be. I opened myself to the pain and to my emotions. But still, I had no belief in myself, and again I was feeling horrible because everyone around me seemed to thrive, and I didn’t. What is not even true but what is true that I couldn’t even see my progress, my effort, my creations, and my value.
When I did my 500 hours of Yoga Teacher Training in Rishikesh I arrived at my lowest point. My body wasn’t in a good shape and of course, I got that confirmation from the other participants in my group. Again I got strict with everything, what happened was worse. I had such low self-esteem that I allowed myself to get into a manipulative relationship. The weirdest part is deep in my I know this is unhealthy for me, but I stayed in it for two months because he offered me a relationship, and I was craving love and intimacy so much. He told me the right things I wanted to hear so badly but therefore I paid a high price.
In the end, I learned so much through this unhealthy relationship for myself, and I was able to start healing my own old toxic relationship patterns.
This experience forced me to lean into the pain & to look at the darkest points within me.
I learned to be soft with myself and with other people. Not to judge people from what we see from the outside, to look behind the masks we all carry. To be open and to listen. I needed to lean into full surrender and acceptance of the present moment.
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